It does seem in most cases of marriages that I know the wife is the mature party, the party that more often makes sacrifices, the less selfish one of the two. I am no expert, but I have survived my way through a few extremely difficult marriage situations, and it doesn't take a genius to spot a pattern.
My husband and I have discussed at great length what the deal might be. I lean toward believing that a lot of growing up that woman do comes with motherhood. Because we carry the child inside of us and because when a baby is born it is our direct responsibly to take care of that child, as women we have no choice but to put someone other than ourselves first. Child bearing has a lot to do with the grow up factor.
Because men don't experience this along with us as it happens, there can be division and resentment. Sometimes women find themselves feeling like a parent to their child and their spouse. Sometimes this can seem like the most frustrating thing in the world to a wife. Wives will become bossy and demanding, and barking out orders to their husbands. Not because they want to but because it may seem necessary to get simple tasks accomplished. Husbands aren't naturally inclined to know when diapers need changing or observant of the fact that you have a screaming baby in one hand, the dog in the other, and are trying to pack in groceries with your elbows.
When you take on this parent role to your spouse what you are saying is, we are no longer equal partners. It's hard to nourish an intimate marriage relationship with someone that you feel is not your equal. Resentment can set in in a flash. So what is the solution? Work very hard to make requests not demands. Instead of barking orders and getting frustrated, try to build a habit of bringing these needs to your spouses attention in a less aggressive manor. Ask politely. Don't roll your eyes. Say please. And not with that voice inflection that says you are annoyed :)
The truth is the growing up and the change for the better has to come from inside them. Nothing you can say will do the trick, but I promise if you can learn to approach it in a better way you will see better results.
I was married once upon a time and, though I never had a child, the scenerio you just described sounds excruciatingly familiar. You're absolutely right-- as soon as the equality balance is tipped, resentment sets in (on both sides) and starts leeching at your marriage like a parasite. It's funny how, though it seems to be a universal thing, no one ever tells you before you get married what to expect and how to deal with it.
ReplyDelete(I'm wondering how Google knows that I'm fabulous. I don't remember ever setting my name that way.)
ReplyDeleteThe whole world knows you are fabulous :)
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